My sixth brainniversary
This year the event that changed the direction of my life--my traumatic brain injury on January 5, 2017--and is the litmus test for decisions I make and activities I choose arrived silently. My brainniversary falls right after the frenzy of the holidays and just five days into January. Last year, my long-time boyfriend died in early December after a torturous battle with alcohol addiction, so I was still in raw grief, numb, and reeling from his tragic death. This year, making it through the one-year milestones after his death captured a lot of my attention. So, this year, the night before my brainniversary, I was relaxing with a friend and it dawned on me: my brainniversary was the next day!
Celebrating my brain injury recovery
Life has a way of steering focus so I was shocked how this super important day could nearly slip my mind. I typically like to get out on the ski slopes and celebrate there but I had appointments and work commitments already booked the following day. To commemorate this important milestone, I contemplated playing hooky and throwing responsibility aside so I could get out and ski and “get back on the horse that bucked me”. As I contemplated my plan, my head and responsibility won. Instead of celebrating on the slopes, I opted to celebrate in a much different way this year. Most people would think it dull and no celebration, but it made natural sense to me to celebrate in a way that most people take for granted.
Celebrations
Celebrations take on many shapes and notions. Most of the times, celebrations include a lot of pomp and circumstance and hey, I love that stuff. People who know me, know how I love a good celebration. I love the formality of it: brainstorming themes, organizing down to the littlest detail, inviting friends to celebrate with me, living in the moment during the celebration while capturing memories on video and still pictures. Every aspect of celebrations I find enjoyable including decorating, cooking, baking, and sometimes I splurge and hire a caterer. Sometimes I buy party favors for my guests.
When I celebrate my brainniversary, I typically celebrate small. I know. It even sounds funny coming out my brain those words. Me, celebrate small? Ha! Well, just because I love a good, formal celebration with all the bells and whistles doesn’t mean I also don’t appreciate the small celebrations too.
Brain injury awareness and recovery
My brain injury has always been something I’ve been incredibly open about to create awareness for brain injury and brain injury recovery. I chronicle my recovery as part of my therapy and as education for the non-brain injured community. Writing about my brain injury recovery is for family, friends, and for those who also have experienced a traumatic brain injury. My goal is to share information so family and friends of brain injured people learn more about what it's like.
Isolation
Recovering from an invisible injury can be quite isolating, full of rejection and disbelief by even closest friends and family members. Talking about mild traumatic brain injury and in my case post-concussion disorder, I want to bring awareness and reduce the stigma related to brain injury and recovery.
Sixth-year brainniversary celebration
This year, I celebrated with my best friend. ME! Like I said, I opted NOT to ski because of lack of planning and quite frankly, the brainniversary really did sneak up on me. I couldn’t believe this important day arrived so silently. It goes to show how the things that matter most are forefront in our minds and hearts. Tending to my grief over Michael took precedence the past year. After surviving the one-year milestones and the holidays, and a family member in crisis, my brainniversary wasn't the forefront on my mind. This year my brainniversary arrived with a “surprise”.
My celebration this year was muted for sure but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t meaningful. I didn’t even go out to eat. I don’t even know if I left my house except for my daily walk. So, what in the world did I do to celebrate this milestone?
The beautiful brain and brain injury
Most people take for granted everything our body’s computer does for us. People forget the brain runs our autonomic systems as well as every function. Our brain is the director of our body. The maestro that controls balance, rhythm, vision, hearing, cognitive processing, emotions, breathing, and so much more. Without good brain health, our entire body is compromised. I always appreciated my brain but even with the appreciation, until I had my mild traumatic brain injury, I didn’t fully comprehend or understand the full meaning of good brain health and function.
Missing "me"
Right after my injury, I couldn’t walk, or talk, or tolerate noise or light at any level, and my personality was a zero. Yes, me. Imagine that…the life of the party, a zero personality. Described as “sassy” from the time I could speak, I was frightened I would never get “me” back. Despite my injury, I was fully aware of this new version of myself, and I didn’t like her. I cried to my neurologist every month at my appointments. I mourned my former self. I missed “me”.
More than anything else I missed who I was.
I missed:
- what was familiar about me
- the things I could do
- functioning as a human being, instead of a zombie
- interacting with people
- working
- writing
- hot yoga
- my tennis
- my skiing
- all my other athletics
- my social life
- my life as I knew it
My neurologist assured me I would return to my usual self and to my activities. It didn’t seem possible. I did my best like a mustard seed and wanted to believe like it was a given.
Faith even the size of a mustard seed
I took that little bit of faith and trusted my neurologist was right even though it seemed like an unreachable goal or outcome. I focused on doing the work: occupational therapy, physical therapy, vision therapy, chiropractic care, laser therapy, cognitive therapy, and so much more. My healing journey was a full-time job.
While I was doing all of this work, I couldn’t:
- talk to people
- socialize
- do laundry
- cook
- LIVE my life
- ENJOY life
I would walk into a room and not know why I was there or what I should do. One time, I was ready to blame someone for burning hard boiled eggs in my kitchen. The burning smell took me to the kitchen but I had absolutely no recollection of starting the eggs. Then, it dawned on me: I was the only one there, so it had to have been me.
Aware and scared
At that moment, I realized just how bad my condition was. I was scared and sad. Immediately before I forgot, I put a post-it note on the stove: DO NOT COOK to dissuade me and remind me for the next time I thought I had the ability to make something. Since I lived alone and couldn't care for myself, my friends set up a meal, chore, and driving plan.
When I did go out, I was slow with comprehension and speech. My speech was riddled with stammering and stuttering, and it was extremely difficult to get my thoughts out verbally. In fact, thinking was painful to my already excruciating head. It’s no wonder I at first found it hard to believe my Type A personality would ever surface again.
Surviving a brain injury
As a single woman who owns her own business, I had no partner to turn to, no one for financial assistance. I lived alone. Trusting my neurologist’s words, I decided I would devote the entire year to my physical healing and the years after for financial and continued physical healing. I knew I couldn’t remain as I was--I had to get better and give it everything I had so I could make decisions about how I would continue to support myself in the future. During my recovery, my credit score plummeted. My income ceased. I did have some spousal maintenance that helped but wasn’t enough for meeting monthly obligations. I rented out my spare room on AirBnb and shared my home with strangers like I had done for years before my injury.
My livelihood, well-being, and future self, relied on the neurologist's words. I needed to trust my neurologist that I would one day return to the former version of myself, or as close to it as possible.
I wondered if:
- I would ever be able to find the words again to write effectively
- I could relearn the software programs I knew by memory before my injury
- I would return to sport and be as good as I was before my injury
- anyone would hire me because of my injury
- being public about my injury would hurt my business
- I would be a worthy life partner to someone with something to offer
From injured to surviving to thriving
With dedication and hard work, plus a mental shift, today I am thriving in my profession. That decision to give it a year and use the time to heal as my full-time job, I am writing today to tell you that yes, I did relearn the software programs. Yes, I find the exact word I seek when I’m writing professional copy for clients. Yes, I returned to sport and now my skiing and tennis are even stronger.
Brain injury recovery is lifelong
I celebrated my fifth brainniversary in mourning. My long-time boyfriend and former domestic partner died a tragic death. Unable to escape the power of alcohol addiction, this beautiful soul whom I loved so very much, took his own life when he was attempting to medical detox by himself--something he hadn't done before without me since 2017 when we reunited. I was absolutely gutted. This tragic death happened while I was recovering from hip surgery and losing my devoted service animal in September just ten weeks prior. I don’t even remember the fifth brainniversary as I write this article.
Grief is a beast
Grief is a beast and the past year threw me right back into survival mode once again. From grief to floods, and being displaced from my home, the home I had shared with my love, the last year tested me like no other. All of a sudden I found myself displaced while I was just 8 weeks into my grief! Most people are taken to their knees when one trauma strikes. But I had to deal with floods on top of grief. It’s one thing to deal with a flooded home, but I encountered back-to-back floods before I was even permitted to return home. I didn’t have the luxury of sleeping in my own bed for five months. I left my home on February 14 thinking it would be for a week maybe and I never slept there again.
After the second flood, I began negotiations with the luxury apartment complex to settle the contract (lease) and compensate me for the losses. I moved out of my home officially first of March and lived in two temporary housing situations until moving into my new home in mid-July. I had my office with me of course, my tennis racquet, ski gear, and a few other items but mostly everything else was in storage once again.
Lessons I learned from brain injury recovery
What I learned from digging deep with my brain injury helped me persevere this last year of intense grief, loss, and sadness. Like when I was in recovery in 2017 from my brain injury, I once again found myself in a financial bind. One of my clients refused to pay because he decided he didn’t agree with the fee in the signed contract months after the fact. My other client work had started to slow down too. More people wanted to work remotely, and competition increased. I was grieving, I was displaced, and I was facing financial hardship all at the same time.
Dig deep
Having recovered my faculties after my brain injury, I dug deep once again and tackled the challenges of each day as they unfolded. I kept to my goals. I had a fantastic cheerleader who uplifted me in the darkest moments when I was too tired, too emotionally, physically, or spiritually bankrupt to lift myself up. The next day I would start fresh just like I did on the really, really bad days of my brain injury. My Type A personality and resilience never failed me. I did what I needed to do every day to get where I knew I wanted to be.
Energy shift
Soon, one positive thing happened, and then the positive domino effect started and the negative chain of events lessened. I picked up a new client and began in a full-time capacity. Quickly I recovered the ground I had lost financially and as quickly as everything unraveled for me in February with my housing situation, I corrected the course and secured a lovely little single-family home for me and my pup, and we moved in. I was hell bent on sleeping in my own bed on the first night reuniting with my bed five months and one day later. Yes, it was a glorious sleep!
Thankful for my brain injury
I’ve said this before and will continue repeating it until I leave my shell. Brain injuries suck and I wish them upon no one. No one asks for one and if you get one, you wish it had never happened. But, I am thankful for the lessons I have learned as a result of my brain injury. I am a better person for it. Despite having to start from scratch to reclaim my life, once I did it, I experienced exponential growth.
That growth serves me every day:
- when I needed to show up for my partner with his addiction during the hardest days and times
- when my long-time boyfriend died, and I was bedridden with extreme grief and absolutely gutted
- because I “knew” I had to have another dog partner for my healing journey, for my survival
- when I was displaced and kept me focused on new goals and making the situation better and securing housing with low flood risk
- in my re-connection to my publishing goals where I committed to an old project and published “Fortified by Grace”, a devotion book for teens, while I was displaced, grieving, and hitting the proverbial pavement with my fingertips looking for more work
- in the way I manage my personal and professional life
Managing limitations
While I still have limitations which vary from day to day, I manage them. I sacrifice activities that I would do without thinking before my injury because I don’t have the same amount of energy in my body. I have learned to prioritize the reduced amount of energy and allocate it to the most important components of my life and day.
I have accepted:
- My body doesn’t get to do hot yoga anymore because my brain cannot handle the excessive heat and humidity combination and shuts completely down rending me useless for the next 24-48 hours
- I cannot tolerate loud noises and seldom attend musical venues
- I have medical conditions which require a medic alert ID and carry instructions on me every where I go
- I have work to do with reconnecting neural pathways and am committed to more healing
Embracing gratitude
Instead of whining about what I don’t do anymore or my limitations, I choose to focus on what I am able to do and rejoice in them. That’s why I thought celebrating my sixth brainniversary working was apropos. I honored my brain and all the work we have done to get here—a place where I am self-supporting and thriving once again. I’m living independently which I was afraid I might not do back in 2017.
Fortunately, I am able to partake in my beloved sports for mental health renewal and physical fitness, especially downhill skiing and tennis. I walk my new Chow Chow every day two miles. Every day I use my cognitive skills I re-developed and retrained in 2017 and beyond. I continue to mold the neuroplasticity of my brain to keep healing. So yes, working on my sixth brainniversary was indeed the right choice to make that day and I made money doing what I love. I am blessed that my career is my passion and I find so much enjoyment and reward in it. I am grateful I am able to continue the career that means so much to me.
My two cents on brain injury recovery
I know there are brain injury survivors who haven’t reached these goals or aren’t as fortunate as me to be as high-functioning, or worse have succumbed to their injuries. For those of us who are recovering from brain injuries, I encourage everyone to be vigilant in your recovery. Be vehement with your care team. If something isn’t working, find something else to take its place. If something is working, keep doing it. Believe in yourself. Strive for full recovery. Defy whatever odds medical professionals say if you don’t like what you hear. Put in the hard work. Sacrifice many trivial things in the short-term for the long-term goal. Put down the phone and limit screen use; increase your OT, PT, and other therapies; eat healthy; drink lots of water; exercise; avoid alcohol and other substances; and practice healthy sleep hygiene etc. I learned the importance of these things through the extensive Survivor Series program by Brain Injury Hope Foundation.
If you’re a caretaker, family member, or friend, show your support, not your judgment. These invisible injuries are not only painful on so many levels, there’s an added level of doubt and accusations we face because non-brain injured people can’t “see” the injury which pours salt onto our wounds.
Be resilient
Being resilient, having a positive mindset, setting daily realistic goals, and having faith are essential to surviving catastrophic life events. It’s never easy when one catastrophic life events occurs, let alone a string of them concurrently. Life tests are cruel but with the right mindset, we can persevere and use those moments for growth.
Be well. Practice lovingkindness.
